


The Most Important Meal of the Day

by Liadt



Category: Kaldor City
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21792937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liadt/pseuds/Liadt
Summary: In Kaldor City, Uvanov can't even have breakfast without a machine going haywire.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	The Most Important Meal of the Day

Iago strolled down the corridor. He’d heard banging sounds and had come to investigate. At the end of the corridor, Uvanov was hammering planks of wood across the kitchen door. 

“'Morning,” said Iago.

“Where have you been? I don’t pay you to lounge around,” said Uvanov, irritably, as he continued his attack on the door frame.

“I’ve been with Justina discussing updates to your security.”

“Wasn’t that what you dashed off to do last night?” Uvanov turned to face him, hammer dangling from his fingertips.

“It was a very long meeting,” said Iago, who didn’t care if Uvanov believed him or not.

“Presumably, it was so long because you needed the time to outline how inept you are at your job,” snapped Uvanov.

“You’re still alive with all limbs intact and personality unaltered. I’d say I was successful.”

“How do you explain the toaster then? I went to make some toast and it sucked in a pile of loaves and started firing rounds of bread at me.”

“Ah, that explains the planks of wood. An excessive reaction: bread can’t kill you and wood is an old fashioned defense.” Iago wasn't perturbed by this news; he regarded dangerous, malfunctioning machines as a normal occurrence. Largely because they were in Kaldor City.

“Bread can’t kill me? No, but an out of control machine can and not for the first time! I’m not taking any chances, first bread and then it’ll fire something deadly at my head. You can’t trust these things! That’s another thing I’ll have to change. Get a large fire installed in the kitchen. My toast can be made by holding the bread over the fire with a pair of tongs. The old ways are the best. A plank of wood can’t turn around one day and kill you. Unlike you, planks don’t make excessive demands on my bank account either,” raged Uvanov, swinging the hammer.

Iago took the hammer off him. Before Uvanov could fume some more, Iago said, “As I’m here, I’ll deal with the toaster and show you how minimal a threat it poses.” He used the claw of the hammer to pull out the nails holding the planks across the door. “You’re right about the old ways: a toaster can’t argue with a piece of two by four.” He went into the kitchen, using the plank to bat away rounds of toast as he made his way to the toaster and then walloped it until it stopped firing. Opening a window, he used the plank as a bat and hit the toaster outside where it landed on one of Iago’s booby traps and was blown to smithereens. “There, easily dealt with.” 

Iago turned to leave the kitchen, but Uvanov was blocking the doorway. “You didn’t ask me why I was fixing my own breakfast.”

“Another one of your little eccentricities?” said Iago, suppressing a yawn. 

“As you are well aware, my so called eccentricities are the common sense actions of someone who knows robots can kill. Naturally, as Firstmaster Chairholder of the Board, I don’t cook, I have flunkies to do it for me, when they don't run away from out of control appliances. Yesterday, I thought my toast and jam tasted odd and to be on the safe side I decided to make my own breakfast. You can do your duty as my security officer...",

"Personal security consultant," said Iago, automatically, as Uvanov continued to speak, ignoring Iago's correction.

"And eat several rounds of toast and jam and we’ll see if you suffer any ill effects. There’s plenty of toast,” said Uvanov. He smiled maliciously and picked up a slice off the side.

“I’m not hungry and I have a new poison detector, I was showing it to Justine last night.” Iago took the device out of his jacket pocket. 

“Very flashy,” said Uvanov, disappointed, he didn’t see why he should be the only one to have had a bad start to the morning.

“What kind of personal security consultant would I be if I hadn’t thought of every danger?”

“A dead one,” said Uvanov.

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